&&
(monkey chatters)
(lion roars)
(jungle animal sounds continue)
(thunder booms)
(lioness grunts)
(car engine revving)
(car speeds away)
&&
(film projector running)
(car speeds by)
(tires screech)
(car horn honks)
BUTTERFLY: Hold on, I gotta come up!
I've gotta take the world's biggest fucking piss.
JUNGLE JULIA: We can't be late!
We won't!
Who's... who's holding?
If you're not, then nobody.
We were kind of hoping you were.
- Yeah. How are you not holding? - Jesus Christ, Shanna.
It is not my fucking job to supply y'all with weed when we go out.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, little lady.
You're gettin' angry kind of quick, don't you think?
I was just teasin' you!
I'm not angry. It just would be nice
if y'all didn't just count on me all the fucking time
and surprise me every once in a while with pot.
Okay, mean girl in a high school movie.
Are you through having a tantrum?
I'm not having a tantrum.
Yes, you are. You've been in the car all of two seconds,
and you're already cursing at me.
I am not cursing at you.
You said "Jesus Christ, Shanna,"
and then before the sentence was over
you threw a "fucking" in there to emphasize your irritatedress
Come on, don't fight. I'll pay for it when we get some.
One, it is not about the money. It is about the pain in the ass of scoring.
And two, we're not really fighting.
Arlene, you've forgotten what hanging out with Jungle Julia is like.
That wasn't a fight.
That was Julia acting like a grumpy bitch
and me calling her on it and indulging her at the same time.
That's how we tolerate each other after all these years.
Oh! Billboard!
(girls cheer)
So, what's the plan, man?
Margaritas and Mexican food at Guero's.
Did you call Rafael and tell him we're coming?
- Of course. - You're so good.
I know.
Okay, is Christian Simonson gonna be there?
You bet your ass he is... with Jesse Letterman.
Christian Simonson, the filmmaker, is in town.
He's got a big thing for Julia.
If he had a big thing for me, he'd fucking call me,
as opposed to disappearing for six months,
and he'd get his ass down here more often than he does.
And on my birthday he'd give me a fucking phone call.
Oh, billboard!
(girls cheer)
(cheering)
(laughs)
Yeah, but you get those legs of yours around him,
and it's all over.
Yeah, well, when I'm redecorating his house in the hills that I am also living in,
I'll let you know it worked.
So, margaritas and Mexican food at Guero's,
touch base with Chris and Jesse, tell them about later,
and make damn sure they come.
Those other guys'll be waiting for us at the Texas Chili Parlor.
Oh, shit. Speaking of which...
what happened with you and Nate last night?
Well, you know, not much. We just fucking met each other.
If you don't bust their balls a little bit, they're never gonna respect you.
Okay, we're pretty clear on what it is you didr't do.
How about enlightening us on what it is you did do?
Oh, nothing to write home about.
We just made out on the couch for about 20 minutes.
Dressed, half-dressed, or naked?
Dressed. I said we made out. We didn't do "the thing."
Oh, excuse me for living, but what is "the thing"?
You know, it's everything but.
They call that "the thing"?
I call it "the thing."
Do guys like "the thing"?
They like it better than "no thing."
(girls laugh)
Okay, I wanna get back to what it is you did do.
So you're making out on the couch with Nate, right?
Correct.
Whose couch? His or the one in your hotel room?
What am I, stupid over here? Mine.
Were you making out sitting up or lying down?
We started sitting up, we worked our way to lying down.
Hmm. The plot thickens. Who was on top?
I was straddling him.
What else?
That was it. So we made out for a little while on the couch...
and I said, "Okay, I'm gonna go to bed now, so it's time for you to leave."
And then he starts to whine, "Oh, right now?"
And I said, "Yup, right now. Let's go."
And he says, "Wait, what about this?" And I said no.
He said, "What do you mean? You don't know what I'm gonna say."
I said, "I already know what you're gonna say, and the answer's no."
He said, "Well, how can you say you know what I'm gonna say?"
And I said, "Because you're gonna say, 'Let's just go to sleep together.
'We don't gotta do nothing.
'Just cuddle, sleep next to each other,
wake up in the morning together."'
"No. You're gonna leave... but I'll see you tomorrow."
Yeah, fuck Nate.
I mean, he's cute and all,
but Jesse Letterman is gonna be all over her.
Remember... no hookin' up tonight.
You can hang out with them, you can make out with them,
but no hookin' up with them,
because we are driving to Lake L.B.J. Tonight,
and my daddy's pretty clear about one thing...
He said, "I am lettin' you and your girlfriends stay at my lake house,
not you and a bunch of horny boys trying to get their fuck on with my daughter."
- Your dad talks like that? - Hell yeah.
And it's not like he ain't gonna know, either,
because when I'm staying at the lake house with my girlfriends in our bikinis,
Daddy just has a tendency to pop up and make sure we don't need anything.
(girls laugh)
Look, he's totally harmless and cute as a bug's ear!
But you know, when he's got a bunch of half-naked poontang
walking the floor of his lake house,
he just likes to pay us a visit and make sure we got everything we need.
And if you flirt shamelessly with him,
like the six-foot baby giraffe in the backseat,
you got a puppy dog for life.
I have my own relationship with Ben,
and you're just jealous 'cause it don't include you.
You call her dad "Ben"?
I'm not a child. That's his name.
So, when are the boys showing up?
They're gonna meet us at the Chili Parlor.
Maybe they can bring some pot.
Fuck that. No.
I don't wanna be either A, depending on their fucking ass,
or B, depending on their ass.
Uh-uh. If we don't score ourselves,
we're gonna be stuck with them all fucking night.
(exhales) Ooh! Try Lanna-Frank.
Best idea you had all day.
Oh, hey! That's your last billboard before Guero's!
Oh, come on, give me a break.
Oh, come on, my ass! We said every time.
Okay.
(girls cheer)
&&
BUTTERFLY: Jules, let me get a drag.
Thanks.
(people chattering)
(car engine stuttering)
(car engine revs)
(revving)
(tires screech)
(car speeds away)
(people giggling, chattering)
GIRL: Oh, my God.
Hey, this is... and I's U.T. Days, Arlene.
MARC Y, BUTTERFLY: Hey.
- You wanna join us? - For a second, but I'm with some friends.
Ooh...
So, you must be... must be...
So, you must be the infamous Butterfly.
SHANNA, JUNGLE JULIA: Shh!
She don't know nothing about it.
- Know about what? - When were y'all gonna tell her?
- Soon. - Tell me what?
Yeah, now thanks to you, we've gotta tell her sooner than later.
All right, cut the shit. What the fuck is going on?
I said a little something-something about you on the air today.
Julia, what the fuck did you say about me on the radio?
All I said was I had a sexy friend named Butterfly
who was in from out-of-town for the weekend,
and we would be going out somewhere in Austin tonight,
and if they were out on the town, maybe they'd see us.
And I described you, and I said that if they spotted you while we were out,
if they'd do something, you'd do something.
Okay, now, Julia, I'm serious.
What did you say and what did you say I'd do?
Anywho, I could explain what I said, which would be boring,
or Marcy over here,
who is an incredible actress, could act it out for you,
which I think will give you a better idea what you have in store for you tonight.
Okay, so just tell me your way.
- So we'll act it out with Marcy? - Sure.
Okay, give Marcy your drink.
(slides drink)
Okay, so you're in a club or a bar,
and Marcy's a kind of cute or kind of hot or kind of sexy
or better be fucking hysterically funny,
but not-funny-looking guy who you could fuck.
Got it.
Okay, Marcy, take it.
(chuckles)
(in southern accent) Howdy.
(sighs) Hi, there.
(chuckles) Excuse me, but...
your name wouldn't be "Butterfly," would it?
Yes, it is, and it seems you have me at a disadvantage.
Barry.
Pleased to meet you, Barry.
Y'all are gettin' me hot!
BUTTERFLY, JUNGLE JULIA: Shh!
So is, uh... "Butterfly" your real name?
Yes, it is.
And how'd you know my name, Barry?
I listened to Jungle Julia's show this mornin'.
Oh, you did, did you?
Oh, yeah, I listen to her show every morning.
Oh, you do, do you?
Yeah, she's like the coolest lady in town.
Don't you think she's got a big ass?
Nah, man! I like her ass that way.
She got a black girl's ass.
(chuckles) Well, that's what she always says,
but in actual fact, she doesn't really have a black girl's ass.
She's got a big ass
Okay, what the fuck are you doing?
Look who wants to get to the point all of a sudden.
Okay, we'll get to the point,
but for your information, skinny bitch,
black men and a whole lot of motherfuckin' white men
have had plenty of fun adoring my ass.
I don't wear their teeth marks on my butt for nothing.
If you're not gonna buy me a drink, can I have mine back?
(normal voice) No, okay, okay, okay, okay.
(southern accent) So, Butterfly...
can I buy you a drink?
I'd love one.
What can I get ya?
I'll take a margarita.
(chuckles)
Here ya go.
So, after they buy you a drink
when they raise their glass to toast,
they look you dead in the eye and repeat this poem...
"The woods are lovely, dark and deep
And I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."
Did you hear me, Butterfly?
"Miles to go before you sleep."
And then, if they say that...
you gotta give 'em a lap dance.
- BUTTERFLY: What? - (laughs)
If they call you "Butterfly," buy you a drink, repeat that poem,
you gotta give 'em a lap dance.
That's bullshit. I ain't giving them nothin'.
Well, you can do it or not, but if you don't,
everybody in Austin is gonna think you a chicken shit.
And I don't think you want everybody in Austin
thinking you're a chicken shit.
I ain't giving nobody no lap dance 'cause of what you said.
Oh, come on! It's gonna be funny!
Yeah, everything's funny to you two when it's happening to me.
Look. You don't have to do it for anybody you don't want.
I said you'd do it for the first guy who says it.
So, some geek comes over trying to be cool,
just tell him you already did it at another place earlier.
No harm, no foul, but you get a free drink out of it.
But maybe a little later in the evening,
you've had a few drinks,
you're kind of loosey-goosey,
you're safe with your girls,
then some kind of cute, kind of hot, kind of sexy,
hysterically funny, but not-funny-looking guy comes up and says it...
then maybe you did it earlier, maybe you didn't.
(laughing)
SHANNA: She's making me trip.
- JUNGLE JULIA: Shut the fuck up. - SHANNA: You made me trip, dumb bitch!
(chattering, laughing)
(man chuckling)
(laughing hysterically)
BUTTERFLY: You fuckin' idiot!
(man chuckling)
(girls continue laughing, chattering)
&&
& Baby &
(chattering in Spanish)
& ht doesr't matter what they say &
& h krow h'm gorra love you ary old way &
& What car h do without you? &
& Dor't wart robody. Robody &
& Baby. It's you &
& Dor't leave me alore &
& Come or home &
& Baby. It's you &
(cheering)
& Baby. It's you &
Any dead soldiers here?
Uh, these two. Thank you.
Where the hell is Lanna-Frank?
That's a good fucking question.
(laughs)
(laughs quietly)
Lanna-Frank!
Where are you?
Well, come over already. We're waiting for you.
- && - Shit! Hold on!
So, where are you?
Come over already. We're waiting for you.
No. We're not coming over there.
You come over here like you said you would.
So, is it Shauna and the girls at the lake house this weekend?
- Shauna? - Oh, fuck. L...
No.
Now, there is one thing that every girl in the whole world
whose name is Shanna has in common with each other.
We all hate the name "Shauna,"
and we really hate it when people call us "Shauna."
Just remember...
it's "Shanna Banana," not "Shauna Banauna."
Okay, but at some point in the evening, I had fuckability stock.
- Yeah, I mean, it wasn't bullish, but... - (cell phone beeps)
(beeps)
&&
Okay... Warren's sending over shots, and you know the house rules.
If he sends over shots, you gotta do them.
- What? - Hey, them's the rules, baby.
- Warren says it, we do it! - WARREN: I love that philosophy!
"Warren says it, we do it."
So let's do it!
What is it?
Hey, shot first, questions later. Here we go. Post time!
WARREN: Mmm!
(glasses slamming down, cheering)
Whoo-hoo!
(cheering, groaning)
Now, is that a tasty beverage or is that a tasty beverage?
What the fuck is it?!
Chartreuse.
The only liquor so good they named a color after it.
(all laugh)
Who's down for dos Chartreuse?
- (cheering) - Not me.
I'm going out for a smoke.
Okay, but careful where you keep that hot flame, all right?
WARREN: You'll blow up the joint.
&&
OMAR: Drinks. What can we get you?
Shanna Banana?
Another big-ass Long Island iced tea.
Bombay Sapphire and tonic with no ice.
Good boy.
(laughs)
(music continues inside)
Oh, hey, Punky.
Uh, one of the lights is off in the parking lot. Flip it.
- Oh! Jesus Christ! - Whoa-ho!
(sighs)
You scared the fuck out of me, you shitty asshole!
I swear, Arlene. I was not trying to scare you.
I just... got lucky.
Oh, hardee-fucking-har.
- Let's go inside. - Wait a minute.
- Why? - I was thinkin' we could make out.
What, on a porch?
Not even in the bar, but in front of the entrance?
- Forget it. - No, in my car.
What, out there? It's wet as fucking 'Nam out there.
Not in my car it's not.
Look, you won't get wet.
I promise you.
You know, most guys wouldn't brag about that.
Ha ha ha.
I mean... you know what I mean.
Look, I know you guys are going to Lake L.B.J.
And we can't come.
(whining) I wanna make out...
Okay, just stop with the whining. It's not attractive.
I don't want it super fucking obvious to everybody in the bar we've been gone,
- so we'll make out for six minutes, deal? - Great.
No, no, no. Deal or no deal?
If you're gonna whine when I pull the plug in six minutes,
we could just walk back inside the fucking bar right now.
- Deal. No whining. - And no begging.
And no begging. When you say "done," it's done.
I'm gonna remember you said that.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, you got two jobs... kiss good and make sure my hair don't get wet.
(record player clanks)
&&
& ht was early. Early ore morrirg &
& Wher h heard my bulldog bark &
& ht was Staggolee ard Billy Lyors &
& Squabblir' ir the dark &
Now, look, you can't look like you're trying to get her out of here
before Christian Simonson shows up,
but you've got to get her out of here before Christian Simonson shows up.
Yeah, but what's the point?
They're going to Shanna's daddy's house at Lake L.B.J.,
and it's no guys.
Absolutely no guys.
Okay. So after we bring the girls' drinks,
in fairly rapid order, but not obvious, we order two more rounds of shots.
(chuckling) You think they're gonna fall for that?
We'll be very convincing.
Now it's time to turn up the volume. No more fucking around.
We go to Jager shots.
(chuckling) Man, they're not gonna drink Jager shots.
Dude, as long as a guy's buying the booze,
a fucking bitch will drink arythirg
Come on, dude, we can at least get one shot of Jager
down these fucking bitches' throats.
After that, we'll see if they get another Jager shot in them.
You never know.
That could be the shot that puts them past the point of "fuck it."
Then all of a sudden "no guys at the lake house"
turns into a couple of guys at the lake house.
My point exactly.
And I know I can at least get "Shanna Suck-my-banana"
to do a fucking Buttery Nipple shot. What's Julia's sweet shot?
- Key Lime Pie. - Oh, come on, dude.
Even fucking Leroy Brown would do one more for dessert.
(laughs)
Dude, check it out.
I wonder if B.J. Brought the bear with him.
Jesus.
(twangs song)
Dude fucking cut himself falling out of his time machine.
(laughs)
Hi, could I get a chicken suit for Stroker Ace, please?
(laughs)
& See the hole h shot ir his head &
& The high sheriff told the deputy &
& Get your pistols ard come with me &
& We got to go arrest a bad mar &
& Krowr as Staggolee &
(Shanna singing)
STAGGOLEE: & They laid them or the shelf &
& hf you wart that bad mar Staggolee &
& You'll have to arrest him yourself &
& The high sheriff asked the barterder &
JUNGLE JULIA: And where did you two disappear to?
I had to get something out of the car,
and Nate was gentlemanly enough to escort me with his umbrella.
Ah, good for you, Nate.
You see that pretty girl sitting by herself at the bar?
Who, the dirty hippie?
Meow. She's not a hippie.
She might as well be a hippie.
(laughs)
Thank you, Timmy boy.
Well, do you know what just happened to her?
No, but I know she's a skinny, fake, blonde bitch.
(all laugh)
Oh, I'm sorry. You were telling a story?
What about her?
(scoffs)
(chuckles)
PAM: Hey, Warren!
Is there anybody you could vouch for to give me a ride home?
(keys clatter)
Fair lady, your chariot awaits.
- You've been eavesdropping? - (chuckles)
There's eavesdropping and "can't help but hear."
I think I belong in the latter category.
So, uh, Icy Hot.
You're offering me a ride home?
I'm offering you a lift if when I'm ready to leave, you are, too.
And when are you thinking about leaving?
Truthfully, I'm not thinking about it.
But when I do, you will be the first to know.
Will you be able to, uh, drive later?
I know looks can be deceiving.
But I'm a teetotaler.
I've been drinking club soda and lime all night,
and now I'm building up to my big drink.
- Which is what? - Virgin pina colada.
Okay. Why would someone who doesn't drink
spend hours at a bar drinking water?
You know, a bar offers all kind of things other than alcohol.
Mmm. Really?
Like what?
Women.
Nacho grande platters.
The fellowship of some fascinating individuals,
like Warren here.
(Pam chuckles)
Alcohol is just a lubricant
for all the individual encounters that a barroom offers.
Ooh. Is that cowboy wisdom?
I'm not a cowboy, Pam.
I'm a stuntman.
But that's a very easy mistake to make.
How do you know my name?
(sighing) When you were talking with Warren...
couldn't help but overhear.
Fair enough.
So what's your name, Icy?
Stuntman Mike.
Stuntman Mike's your name?
Tsk. You ask anybody.
Hey, Warren.
Who is this guy?
WARREN: Stuntman Mike.
And who the hell is Stuntman Mike?
WARREN: He's a stuntman.
- (all laughing) - Warren! Six shots of Wild Turkey!
& h've just got to krow &
& Should h go leave &
& Ard fird somebody else &
& You krow h stood yesterday &
JUNGLE JULIA: Yeah!
&&
BUTTERFLY: Yeah!
Let's do 'em!
JUNGLE JULIA: Salud
- Down the snatch. - (laughing)
You know, Pam, I think it's time for my big drink.
Well, Stuntman Mike, since I have a tab here,
can I buy you that virgin pina colada?
Thank you, Pam. That'd be lovely.
Warren!
A, uh, virgin pina colada for my stuntman friend
and I'll have another Cadillac Cabo Wabo margarita.
Cabo Wabo, virgin.
&&
(Butterfly mouthing along) & People. H've beer misled &
& Ard h've beer afraid &
& h've beer hit ir the head &
& Ard left for days &
- & h've beer abused & - (Pam laughs)
& Ard h've beer accused &
& h've beer refused &
- (door opens) - & A piece of bread &
- Ah! - Hey, if it ain't Lanna-Frank.
Mwah.
- Hey, baby. - How are you?
- & hr my life before & - Hey, what's up?
Hey!
(slaps rear) Hey, what's shakin', bacon?
(coughs, laughs) Hey.
& Go wrorg as h do today &
- & h wart you to stop & - Well, let's scootch over, now.
It's about fucking time.
Well, beggars can't be choosers.
Take a picture. It lasts longer.
What?
That table.
Seems to keep, um, getting your attention.
Is that the girl from the billboard outside?
Yep.
She sure is a striking-looking woman.
It's got gin, tequila, Jager...
Look at that hair.
Lots of leave-in conditioner.
Is that jealousy I detect?
Hardly. But if you want to get with, uh, Jungle Julia,
there's a real easy way to do that.
Really, what would that be?
Get famous. You won't have to find her... she'll find you.
And you don't even want to know what she did for that billboard.
Enjoy it, cocksucker.
You've earned it.
What did she ever do to you?
We went to school together from kindergarten through high school.
That's what she did to me.
She was her height right now at 12.
- She was a monster. - (chuckling)
Half the guys she still fucks she used to terrorize in the fifth grade.
And she used to beat you up and take your chocolate milk, huh?
That pituitary case?
Might have kicked my ass a couple of times...
sorry, I'm built like a girl, not a black man...
but I'd die before I ever gave Julia Lucai my chocolate milk.
(song ends)
Hey! Are you famous or somethin'?
Or somethin'.
No, no, no. Really.
Hey, what do... what do you do?
Really?
What I do is work my ass off to get my own record label off the ground,
but why that girl wanted a picture of me is because I'm a local D.J.
Wait a minute.
You've got a billboard by Big Kahuna Burger, don't you?
Yeah.
I got one there, too, Zatoichi.
Yeah.
Jungle Julia Lucai.
Stuntman Mike McKay.
Well.
Good to meet you, Stuntman Mike.
My friends and I are going to continue to get our weed on.
Would you care for some?
Thank you, Julia,
but just the same... no thanks.
- Suit yourself. - But you know...
(sighs)
(groans)
(breathes heavily)
(quietly) Oh, shit.
Ah! My God.
Sorry. It's nothing.
What the fuck was that?
(chattering, laughing)
You got some voucher here.
I asked him what movies you worked on.
No fuckin' clue.
Well, technically I really don't know if he's ever done anything for sure.
I mean, he shows me an episode of High Chaparral.
A guy falls off a horse,
he says it's him.
(Warren laughs)
You know the show The Virgiriar?
Yeah, well, there was another actor on that show, Gary Clarke,
and I looked like him a bit...
well, obviously before I cut myself shaving.
Tsk. Aww, I like it.
Well, damn, if you ain't so sweet you make sugar taste just like salt.
Anyway, I did a lot of Virgiriars doubling Gary Clarke.
And, uh... then that show turned into The Mer of Shiloh.
They brought on Lee Majors, and I doubled him.
From that point on I specialized mostly in car stunts.
Yeah, I did damn near the whole third season of Vega$
I was Robert Urich's driving double.
And then Bob did another show, Gavilar.
And he brought me with him on that, till...
And after that...
Do you know any of these shows or people I'm talkin' about?
Sorry.
- No? - Mm-mm.
No, no.